Coldplay reviewed by a coach potato

BY NARENDRA KUSNUR 

Like an obedient teenager, I did what he said. He asked me to clap, and I clapped. He told me to wave at a stranger in another corner, and I did that. The problem arose when he said, "Phones in the pocket, hands in the sky". I mean, how on earth could I watch the Coldplay live telecast with my phone in my pocket?

I was sitting in a bus, travelling from Mumbai to Hubballi when the band's frontman Chris Martin was giving all these orders in distant Ahmedabad on January 26. He had 134,000 people for company at the final gig of his India tour. I had only 14 fellow travellers who were least bothered about why I was suddenly jumping up, screaming 'oh-oh-oh' and flashing my watch imagining it was a razzle-dazzle 'star-in-the-sky' wristband.

I was in total Chris Martin mood, saying a British-flavoured 'dhanyavaad' to anyone in sight, and changing my tee twice in the journey. Even my bus was painted 'yellow' and the low AC temperature made it 'coldplay' in every sense. Luckily I carried my phone or else a newspaper would have done a piece with the headline "Man misses Coldplay show after maid throws his smartphone in the garbage". That's what makes news these days. Thanks to Disney Hotstar and VRL Travels, I could now enjoy the gig as a 'coach' potato. Jio mere lal. I even looked for a Jasleen Royal lookalike to dance along to 'Clocks' but no such luck. My co-passengers didn't look like they knew her hit 'Heeriye' either.

The show began at 8 pm sharp, but not before three hot stars on Disney shattered my ears with their coochie-coo gushing. Only a 'higher power' could now give me the 'adventure of a lifetime' and take me to 'paradise'. I guess Chris heard me aloud and decided his set list that way. After all, he wanted to give me a 'hymn for the weekend', even though I didn't belong to Generation X&Y.

The cameras only seemed to be bothered about Chris, and they kept shooting close-ups along with shots of starry-eyed fans trying to sing along. One hardly saw the other band members except when they came in and when Chris announced their names and the Indian states they tried to belong to. For most of the time, I couldn't make out where the instrument sounds were coming from.

In some ways, I was luckier than 133,000 people in the audience. From my seat, I could read the lyrics and pretend I knew all the songs. Simultaneously, I could sit cross-legged, play air piano or dance down the bus aisle whenever Chris did similar things. I also sang 'Para Para Para' in the right accent, not 'Pera Pera Pera', 'Paara Paara Paara' or 'Pyara Pyara Pyara' like some of the fans did. Hope they had kept auto-tuners and auto-pronouncers for the singalong crowd.

To be fair to Chris, he's a fabulous entertainer. He knows how to keep the audience on its feet and chooses the right words and stage-tricks. For instance, he read out placards held up by fans and even called a couple who wanted to sing 'Everglow' with him, repeating their names Sanjana and Tanuj. When he called me 'beautiful brother', I froze. Bhaiyya! Sadly he didn't read the sign I was carrying, asking for my favourite songs 'Speed Of Sound' and 'Green Eyes'. Maybe technology will make that possible too, and facilitate performances with random strangers in remote buses. Luckily he played my favourites 'The Scientist' and 'Viva La Vida'., besides the expected 'Fix You'. See, I know my Coldplay too, though I preferred them before they had a rush of blood to the head and started catering to any X&Y audience with some ghost stories!

Needless to say, their live shows are what keep them going. Chris's showmanship, the lighting, the fireworks, things just added up. The younger lot loved them, why should we old fogeys complain? I'd probably experience their performance better if I physically attended their Mumbai shows. Looks like the organisers did a great job with all the ground and stage nitty-gritty involved. Five shows and all were packed. That just opens up the doors for more mega-shows in India (they'll probably pick up this line to quote on social media, and make me go viral). However, the PR agency handling the event seemed to think I was too refined or old-fashioned for Coldplay, and said I didn't belong in their super-cool media list. Maybe I should have told them I believe in 'Yellow' journalism.

The tickets had been sold out by the time I tried, but that was like a blessing in disguise. Watching the show on my phone, that too on a bus ride, was an adventure of a lifetime, specially because I didn't pay a penny. But do I need to tell anybody that? I can simply say I saw Coldplay live in both Mumbai and Ahmedabad, paying inflated rates for hotel booking, having expensive (Chris) Martini and cold(play) cuts, spending a lakh rupees which my peers could never imagine in their head full of dreams.

Sitting in my luxury coach, I'm actually seeing a thousand lights in a sky full of stars. Never mind if they're coming from the houses in Khopoli as my bus heads up the Western Ghats on its way to Lonavala. Hey, I can hear everyone around sing along with me, "Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars, such a heavenly view, you're such a heavenly view, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh!" Phew!